smoke pretty

if you had come to me when i was fifteen years old and asked me if i would ever end up smoking cigarettes, i would've told you, emphatically, "...no!" wow, how my mind has changed. i could take the easy excuse and claim that i only started smoking because i worked in the restaurant industry, but that might not be entirely accurate. but i DO know that's when i started smoking. i was working at the legendary Rock-Ola cafe, when i made friends with a very cool girl with a stud through her tongue. it's insane that i can't remember her name. she offered me a cig after a grueling shift. and from that moment, i started buying them. i chose Camels because my favorite movie at the time was 'lawrence of arabia.' i know i became close to this girl, because i went to visit her in the hospital for some reason... but i have NO memory of her name. but, all that aside, i'm glad i'm old enough to remember when cigs could be advertised on tv. so dig this magazine ad for a brand i'm sure you can't get anymore. i think i can safely say i've never smoked an 'eve.' but i DO remember seeing them for sale. hey, light'em if you got'em, ladies.

cig pants!

hey, if you smoke those vile and deadly cigarettes (which i do, guilty) then you've GOTTA get yourself a pair of of these ultra-dated, groovy looking Cig Pants!.. from the good people at Winston. what better way to let the world know that you 'don't give a damn about' your health OR fashion?! and you've just gotta accent those Cig Pants with some mod shades and a clingy, white, longsleeved top. so, round up your $2.95, clip that coupon, and send away for those pants! nobody will know how diseased your lungs look on the inside, when you look THIS groovy on the outside! i don't smoke Winston's myself. (mmm, as if that matters at all.) hey, it just occurred to me... when Winston ran this promotion all those years ago, they MUST'VE had like, a shitload of these pants already made, and like, ready for the hundreds of redeeming Winston customers. and they must've had them in a variety of sizes and everything. and it would seem almost certain that at least some of those pants still exist today. i wonder who's got them? like, they can't ALL be in a landfill by now, can they? (cut to a shot of a yard sale going up this Sunday. we see a rack old clothes on some lawn cluttered with junk. as the camera pulls in, we see a pair of the Cig Pants hanging next to a faded 'Mork' T-shirt with rainbow sleeves that says, 'Nannoo-Nanoo' : Translation - Is It Friday Yet?' ) (click to enlarge... a lot of the copy should be readable.)

kryptonite perfume

yes, its green, its liquid, its not too expensive... and i'm not sure i have any memory of what it smells like. yes, this is an ad for the 'tres-classe' emeraude... by coty. and to this day, i'm not sure what 'by coty' is supposed to make me feel; like, advertising-wise. i mean, names go cheap in the 'fragrance game.' i mean, even faberge lent his name to the horrendous 'brut.' straight up; i can't remember ever smelling 'emeraude,' but i have a feeling i probably did at one point. like, there was a time when i was like, ten years old, that i would heedlessly sniff from any atomizer left out on the eckerd's or rite-aid countertop. still, i couldn't tell you what 'emeraude' smelled like if my life depended on it. all i know is it was green, and it wasn't in my house. the only green fragrant stuff in our house was my stepfather's old scent-staple 'skin bracer.' i have to admit, to this day, i kind of like the smell. maybe because it reminds me of my daddy. but 'emeraude?' i'm drawing a big sensory blank on that one. i like the ad, though... ga-roovy.

miss ali frets

okay, so we're all girls here, right? okay, so maybe not... but i think we're all mature enough to handle digging at some ancient mid-70's ad for playtex tampons. here we have the foxy and fretful miss ali mcgraw and her tacky white beaded bag, wondering if her 'feminine protection' will last through her wait to get into her job interview. (like she was having a lot of trouble finding work in the 70's.) still, this is almost charming. its pretty wordy, but basically says playtex is more absorbent and offers more reliable protection than tampax. (a conclusion i most wholeheartedly dispute.) but anyway, she's hoping her 'goods' hold out until the sexist bigwig finds time to look over her quaint little 'working girl' resume. knowing he'd probably hire her on the spot just based on her looks, in hopes of being a pig and banging her later in an attempt to blackmail her into keeping her job. okay, so i know i sound cynical, but it was the 70's. and i realize the copy is a little faint, and therefore difficult to read, but i've read it, and the best line is really the last. after bragging for several paragraphs about the great protection offered by the product, it says: '...obviously no tampon will last indefinitely...' mmm, thanks, ye good people at playtex... like, tell us something we don't know. jeez. (click to enlarge)

where are they now?

yes, finger-watches, ladies and gentlemen! i've had this ad for a long time, and i figured it was well worth a post. now, i don't have a date on this ad, so i have no idea if if was 'before' or 'after' the Swatch craze. (jean-luc and i had about four Swatches, just for the record... but my mate Atarieyes mustv'e had like, over a dozen, i remember because he once demonstrated like, four on each arm.) but these little dinky finger watches, i don't remember anyone wearing them at all. and what were they called? 'Digits?' i don't remember any widespread ad campaign for them. i have no visual memory of anyone wearing them. i'm taking a close look at the ad now, and i have to admit, one or two of them look pretty cool... but why not like, use the same desgin and make a 'regular-sized' watch for-the-wrist? i think its hilarious that one of them is like, zebra-striped. how 80's. i kind of dig the fuschia nail polish she's got on... but they don't really seem like, 'practical.' i mean, can you imagine giving a decent backseat 'HJ' with two or three finger-watches on? (and yes, 'HJ" means exactly what you think it means.) the bottom line is, we all know they didn't 'catch on,' because people sure as hell aren't wearing them now. dig it, the 'Digits.' (click to enlarge)

pardon me whilst i gloss

yeah, i think this ad is hilarious. its like, '...here i am about to bang some 80's rob lowe-resembler in this huge-ass 80's house, but man... i'd better slop on some gummy flavorless lip gloss before we make dreamy, teenage physical contact...' yeah honey, you'd better... otherwise he might dump you, start a rumor that you smell like egg-drop soup, and start dating a slutty cheerleader. i know you can hardly read the small print, but i think its funny that they're billing it as 'automatic' lip gloss. like, i've never had any lip gloss that i had to like, 'wait for,' you know, for it to 'kick in' and 'get glossy.' like, no matter what type you're dealing with, they all seem to come out 'shiny' right from the first application. i wish i could read the 'names' of the colors, but sadly, the resolution isn't good enough. i was able to read the bit where it says it was for '...women who like to play with fire...' yeah, that's so 'mysterious-on-purpose.'

lemon cologne

(i know the copy is a little delicate... so the caption is : '...i just don't like smelling like a lemon grove. i'm more subtle than that.' as if 'lemon' is 'real slutty' or something.)

yes, i have to admit, i dig most citrusy cologne. but i think this ad is for more of a 'body splash' than a cologne. actually, since the model is bagging on smelling like a lemon grove, i assume this ad was for a different fragrance, but i've cut off most of the copy, so i can't really tell which smell she was actively hawking. but i love her embroidered blouse, her jeans, her pretty make-up, and her wispy, sandy, gretel-braided hair. i wonder what book she's reading? 'are you there god, its me, margaret?' judy blume's more adult novel 'forever?' or 'wifey?' (i highly recommend 'wifey' by the way... its a hell of a good read.) or maybe she's reading (predictably) emily dickinson. or perhaps '101 of the world's most tasteless jokes.' and i dig the hazy dude in the yellow shirt in the background reaching down to pluck clover or something. i love this ad, just for the nostalgia. and the girl's a darling. i wish the grain and resolution was better, but hey... it was the best version i could find.

yet another van, man!

i can't think of anything terribly clever to post, so i thought i'd go with another smokin' van, man! yeah, can't wait to drive around in a van with a cartoon human footprint on it. i mean, yeah, i'm from the 'tarheel state,' so if it was my van, it might make sense... but the odds tell me the dudes in this vehicle aren't from the gorgeous, Old North State. California is where i'll bet they're from. i love this ad not only for the honey color, but for the groovy floor plan diagram. is there anything funny in the small print? let me see... it says there's plenty of room to 'do your own thing.' well, that leaves a lot open, does it not? it also boasts: '...lots of livin' room.' cool. yeah, i have to admit, i miss the 'van scene,' and feel a certain degree of privilege having been driven around in one early in my life. i have so many tiny, distinct memories concerning vans. some euphoric and charmingly innocent... some far blacker. still, if i was a rich man, i'd try to get my hands on a van. hey, if you can get the gas and choose the company, weather, and radio station, then its the only way to travel. (click to enlarge)

another van, man...!

yeah, i was looking through my old files and came across this. and i thought since my last posting of a van advert was a hit, i thought i'd throw this one out there. i love the swirly, late 60's artwork. and i dig the fact that it's advertised as a 'street van.' like, is there any other kind? i mean, i don't see too many vans out there burning up the 'dunes,' or like, rough-ridin' it through the rocky mountain areas. no, a 'street' is where you see the vast, vast majority of vans. its like saying 'mouth toothbrush.' so yeah, i dig this for so many reasons. since i've studied advertising, i dig it on that level. and i also can relate on a personal level... for most of my childhood, my dad drove a chevy van. and i love vans. i love the space, the high ride, etc. of course, these days, they're not as cost-effective as they used to be. let me take a closer look at this ad. hey, 'click-to-enlarge' and check out that dude sitting down on the far right. in case you can't read it, he's saying, '...did you know Street Van spelled backwards is Teerts Nav...?' ummm, how is that a selling point? i wish i could tell you who the artist is, but i don't recognize the work. the small print in the lower left quadrant is pretty funny too. so rock on, Street Van! roll!

mort drucker encore

i posted this one a long time ago, like in march... but since it was buried so deep in the archives, i wanted to post it again. again, in a shameless play for lucynell's attention. i wanted to make sure she sees it. it's a late 1970's ad from 'seventeen' magazine for pursettes tampons. and i'm too young to remember pursettes ever being on the shelves. but i love the ad. most of you will certainly recognize the work of the great mort drucker, who drew most of the movie parodies for MAD magazine. if i was going to run down all the aspects of the ad i find hilarious, i'd just end up quoting the whole thing, so here it is. if you 'click to enlarge' you should be able to read all the copy. the main girl, (the one with the tampon problem) has an ali mcgraw thing going on. its great. so dig it. (oh, and just a last note... you can see in the third frame the girl with the ponytails mentions that the 'pons are 'pre-lubricated.' with what? i mean, that must not've proved to be a hit with the american chicks, because i've never heard of a 'pon being pre-lubricated since.)

coke is it

yes, yes it is. i was raised in north carolina, in strictly pepsi household. my mother was almost religious about her pepsi bias. like, she was downright forcefull about it. it was just, pepsi... one hundred percent of the time, end of story. i literally didn't start drinking coke regularly until my brother and i started babysitting and making our own money. i remember we got a gig doing gift wrapping during the christmas season, in a high-end local clothing shop around 1987. there was an old-fashioned machine that dispensed 10 oz. glass bottles of coke for 25 cents. ever since then, i've been strictly coke. i almost can't even stand pepsi unless its cherry flavored. plain pepsi just has too much of a citrus undertone to it. no... i'm coke all the way. in fact, if i see i'm running low on cokes, its a panic similar to when i'm running low on cigarettes. coke... liquid love. yes.