DARLA: "okay, so the guy showed up at the door. his name was wolfson. and like i said, he was cute enough. we were just going to 'hang out' at a bar about 40 minutes away, to hear his roommate play 'experimental guitar.' so we get in the car, and as soon as the door closes, he says, '...comfortable, milady?' and i'm not sure why, but that phrase instantly made him a little less cute to me. he kind of looked like john stamos, by the way... but with more weight on him. so i was like, 'yes, sure,' and he said, '...i must insist you buckle up. safety first...' then he added cryptically, '...the safety dance?' and he waggled his eyebrows like he meant something by it. it was the first time in the date i seriously considered 'ditching,' but by then we were traveling 45 mph down the street. so we drive, in total silence, when he draws my attention to a little bag on the floorboards that looked like it was made out that spin doctors' guy's shirt. he said, '...why don't you pick out one of my mix tapes? i craft them specially for occasions like this. anything you play will be fine with me...' then he adds, again with some innuendo behind it, '...its allll good...!' so i rummage around in the swag-bag for a sec, he tells me to turn on the overheard light so i can see the labels. the first one i pull out says, 'summer: tull, pink floyd, miles davis.' before i can even open my mouth, he says, '...don't play that one. it reminds me of ...allison.' so i put it back, and pull out the next one; it just says 'nite mix.' he's like, '...that one doesn't play anymore.' so my hand goes back into the bag. i realize it smells like wood chips. (the bag) the next one i pull out says, 'allison's love mix.' i put it back before he could see which one it was. the next one had the tape-celluloid like, tangled and hanging out of it, which sucked, because the label said: 'vintage U2 and duran.' on the next label, i see the phrase 'j giles band,' ummm, i don't think so. so like, almost ten minutes have gone by, all we can hear is the engine and the road, and he says, '...hey, i guess this is what they call an awkward silence.' so i shoot back, saying, '...why don't you pick something then?' he shakes his head, puts his hand on my knee very breifly, and says in a fake-sounding soft voice, '...i trust you.' soooo, my hand goes back in the bag. before i can even pull out the next tape, he says with a very noticeable trace of attitude, '...do you think you could hurry it up? i can't see a damn thing with this overhead light on.' i was stunned... he totally said it like it had been my idea to put the light on in the first place. so i throw in the very next tape without looking at it. the first thing i hear is, coming in mid-song, is rick springfield's 'human touch.' and this idiot barks out, '....leave it!!' like i was gonna take it out after all that. i already wanted to go home. oh, we did eventually get to the club. his friend was so completely shitfaced drunk that half-way through his pitiful guitar thing, he fell asleep on the stool whilst doing a long extended 'fade out' to guns and roses 'patience.' someone had to go up onstage to nudge him awake, and the very first thing out of this guy's mouth was, '...i'm not holding!!' then he looked around, remembered where he was, and went into a terrible acoustic rendition of 'iron man.' it was endless. like, he was too drunk to know when to 'jump off ' of the riff, you know? i got home sometime around midnight. wolfson insisted on walking 'milady' to the door. so, we're at the door, and i know he's angling for a kiss because he's standing super-unnaturally close to me, and keeps humming, '...hmmm,' in between asking me things he should've asked hours ago... things like, '...so, how were you in high school? like, popular? not popular? hmmm?' and like, '...can you cook? i have this.... ziti dish i like to make.' and i was all like, 'why is he asking me all this crap now? the date's over! i wanna go in, take off my uncomfortable shoes and 'kill' the rest of that pistachio gelato i know i still have in the freezer!' but he keeps leaning in and saying things like, '...how old were you when you left home? i can just picture you... a girl on her own, finding herself, trying new things...' and i'm like, 'what in the hell is he talking about?' so i answer him with the shortest, most fact-based answers, like i have a contest with someone on how few words i can use and still get the question answered. and he keeps getting closer and closer, and man, i have to confess, i finally gave up and let him kiss me so he'd shut the eff up and let me go inside. he kissed me, right away putting his tongue in. and at that point, i didn't even care... i was like, 'tongue, no tongue,' whatever. so the tame, spitty kiss lasts about 40 seconds, maybe a little less. then we part, he wipes his lower lip and says, '...mmm, ten out of ten...' and i didn't ask. i think i said something like, '...no problem,' which i don't know if it was rude or not. he walked backwards off the porch to his car, apparently trying to maintain eye contact. but of course, ultimately he had to turn around and look down to unlock and get back into the car. as soon as i was inside, and the door was closed, i look down and see my cat, and say, '...god, mr. whiskers... i should've gone out with you.' oh, and for what its worth, after i've been in the house for like, eleven minutes, like, long enough to take off my shoes and have a pee, i look out, and see his car's still sitting out there... and the interior light is on, and i can see he's doing something that looks like he's cleaning junk out of his center console. he stayed out there almost twenty minutes, just idling and doing car maintenance. i hid in the kitchen, looking out. and i'll be damned if he didn't like, carry out a bunch of stuff... like, junk and 'take-out' trash, and even a clear plastic dry cleaning bag... he's got like, an armful of trash, and puts it in my personal garbage which was not even out to the curb yet. like, he walked up next to the house and put it in there! i'm pretty sure that might be illegal or something. he finally drove off. as far as i'm concerned, 'allison' can have him."
4 comments:
hahahahaahaha! Okay, holy shit. I laughed out loud at "experimental guitar", the mix tape debacle and the fact that HE SAT IN HER DRIVEWAY AND CLEANED OUT HIS CAR! What a fucking weirdo. Haha
PS: I'm working on another one...
So I had been flirting with this guy Carl for like, six months. He is the only dude who works in HR and all the girls seem to love him which isn’t weird or anything cause he is kind of cute. So finally, one Thursday out of the blue, he asks me out.. I was looking forward to it, although, in hindsight I realized I hadn’t really talked to him or been around him that much other than a few fleeting moments in the office kitchen everyday where we would always joke about how no one is allowed to touch any of Diane’s beloved novelty coffee mugs. I work at a place that makes custom blinds for houseboats.
So he picks me up at 7:30 and asks me, “Is Outback okay with you, Babe?” I thought calling me “Babe” was a little weird, but not as weird as his skin. It was darker. Orangey. I guess he caught me staring (I was really tired that night) because he goes, “Oh yeah. Spray tan. I wanted to see what all the hub-bub was about. “ Looks good, I lied. He didn’t say thank-you instead he just goes, “I know. It turned out good.” His arms were streaked like two root beer flavored candy canes.
When we get into his car and we’re on our way and he goes, “Hey, check this out.” And he produces one of Diane’s coffee mugs! I’m like, oh my God. I kind of can’t believe that he STOLE one of Diane’s mugs. It was the one with the pink breast cancer ribbon on it. And then he goes, “Watch this...” and he whips it out the window!
Okay, so I thought that was really mean as well as weird. He then proceeds to turn his music up really, really loud. He’s blasting The Eagles “Life In the Fast Lane” and he says to me, “If you don’t like the Eagles, then me and you aren’t happenin’” He SINGS the opening guitar riff and then proceeds to try to sing the lyrics really loudly while making a lot of eye contact. And the really awful thing was that he was actually getting most of the lyrics wrong! I think the only lyric he was really solid on was, “LIFE IN THE FAST LINE...” and everything after that was a wash. I was like, if you don’t know the words to a song, why would you continue to sing full-voice all proud of yourself? And also, how could you NOT KNOW the lyrics to Life In the Fast Lane? If you grew up in the United States chances are you know every word to this song, even if you hate the Eagles. Weird.
When we finally get to Outback, every rocking chair is occupied and I see no fewer than four High School sports teams gathered in the waiting area. “Should we go somewhere else?” He says “Oh hell no. Hell no!” Okay. I was like Good Lord, calm down. He gives his name to the Hostess and she says there’s a two and a half hour wait. Again, Good Lord.
We get one of those buzzy things and he makes a bee line to the bar. And it’s clear he knows everybody that works there. He starts aggressively pointing to people and giving everyone in the bar “big-ups.” “RANDY! MISTY! GARY!” He’s really making a show of it and I’m like, who knows everyone at the bar at Outback Steakhouse? He was high fiving people, too.
He orders us two DiSoronos (weird) and chugs his down. That rapper from the 90s, ‘Snow’ comes on the sound system with his one hit, “Informer” . It’s that song that has all that weird, fast rapping in it and he starts TRYING TO SING THAT! AGAIN: FULL VOICE! Of course it’s impossible and on top of that, the stupidest thing in the world. But he tries it anyway. What the fuck? It was soooooo embarrassing.
To try and get him to stop trying to sing, I say, “So, did you use to work here or something?” And he goes, “hell no. Ah, hell no!” Jeez, calm down. I don’t know why he was being so weirdly emphatic. If he was implying it was so horrible to work there, then why was it so cool to KNOW everybody there? Again, I guess that’s between him and Jesus.
When we were finally seated, he tried to chat me up about how hilarious it would be when Diane found her mug missing. I couldn’t give him a what-what on that, because, I’m sorry, I thought it was really mean that he threw her mug out the window. Especially a breast cancer mug.
Our ‘cukaburra wings” or whatever the fuck they were called arrived and he grabbed one and took a bite and immediately I could tell it was too heat hot and was burning his mouth. He made an O with his mouth and was blowing air out. “Just spit it out. I don’t care.” I said. But he wouldn’t spit it out. He just kept on chewing it all weird. His eyes were watering and he was clearly in pain. “just spit it out!” I said again. But he just swallowed the hot-ass chicken meat and he didn’t say much after that. He just mumbled something about “cukaburra must be Australian for lava.”
“Life In the Fast Lane” came on and I know he heard it playing, but he made no comment and did not attempt to sing along. I think his spirit was broken. Then he goes, “I’ll be right back.” And he is trying to get out of the booth, I swear to God I am pretty sure he farted. I mean, I definitely heard it. And then he was gone for a really, really long time. So long that I watched almost an entire episode of The King of Queens in closed caption. Finally I got up to go to the bathroom and I caught him in the busboy area where a male Outback worker was handing him a large cup of ice. He looked like he had been crying. He looked at me and went, “Oh great.” Like any of this was my fault.
It was at this point I told him I was gonna get my own ride home. I didn’t even care what he thought. Even though now I would clearly have to avoid him at the office. What a freakin’ weirdo. As I was waiting for my sister to come get me, I bought Diane a mug with a boomerang on it.
wow, brilliant! hilarious, i don't even know where to start. first of all: '..custom blinds for houseboats?' you know someone, somewhere, probably has that exact job. and whoa, he's such a BMOC (big man on campus) knowing every part-time joker that works at the local 'outback.' and just when i thought it couldn't get any funnier, 'infomer,' by snow? that's almost so close to life it stings. and do they really have 'kookaburra wings,' or was that like, just a euphemism? i've only been to like, two outbacks in my life. thanks for such scathing and brilliant input. and you know it only leaves me wanting more, more, more!
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