okay, i don't really have any ideas for anything real fresh and groovy tonight, so i thought i'd just let some girls in here to tell us a bit about some of the dates they've been on lately. now, i really don't date anymore myself. i don't dig that idea of having so many critical variables out of my control. so here's some sound-bites from others who are still 'out there' looking for that special someone. and who wants to be first in here? -----------------
SUZANNE: "...yeah, i was out with a guy last week, who jokingly said, as i introduced him to my mom, '...call me 'shades!'" he wasn't even still wearing his sunglasses. they were in his jacket-pocket. so like a dumb-ass, i had to say to my mom, '...his name is dustin.' so then, we all sit down for a quick glass of iced tea before we leave... you know, just dustin, my mom, and me, just getting to know eachother. and after my mom had forgotten about the name-thing, he interrupts something she was saying to interject,' "...and just so you know, that's 'dustin' to rhyme with 'trustin,' ...as in, you can trust your baby girl with me. like, i'm not gonna try any 'funny stuff.'" and, he when he said it, he made this two-handed 'groping' moves, like he was honking some boobies...then he obviously looked at my mom's chest, and said that stupid thing about 'more than a handful's a waste.' i don't think this dustin was smart enough to realize he'd just called his date AND his date's mom 'flatties.' I went on the date because i really wanted to see that movie, but i blocked his number the very next day." ------------------------
MELISSA: "...did i ever tell you about the guy i went out with who wouldn't stop talking about how great it was that we, as Americans, had 'the vote?' like, all the way to the restraunt this guy Trent shot his mouth off about how he'd once been to Belarus, and how they'd die for 'the vote' over there. after dinner, we had to drive about 20 minutes to the movie theater. arcadia's song 'election day' was on the radio. weirdly, he didn't mention it. then we had to stand in line for about fifteen minutes to get our popcorn and junk. he started bragging about how he had a t-shirt made up in college that said 'one man, one vote,' and he passed them out to like, 200 'complete and total strangers.' (his words) then, much later, as we were leaving the movie theater, we see a car with a john mccain bumpersticker on it, and he says,' TRENT: '...hey, time to take that sticker off, loser...!" then he sighs real hard, smiles and admits he didn't vote for Obama either. then, without me even prodding him, he admits he didn't vote in the elections before that, either. and that's when i call him out on it... i was like, '...i'll bet you've never voted in your life.' and this joker actually shoots back with, TRENT: "...hey, that's not true. remember? when we were at the restaurant earlier...? i said, '...i vote for onion rings?'" the saddest thing about it was that he was dead serious." (2-3-4) "...and i doubt seriously he'd ever set foot in 'belarus.'" --------------
SHAWNA: "...i was dating this guy for a while, and we were hanging out on his and his roommate's futon sofa, flipping channels. we spotted 'tess' was on one of the vintage film channels, and this guy named john-paul leaned in and asked me if i knew that, in polish, 'nastasia kinski' translated to 'nasty kinky.' " (2-3-4) "...i couldn't roll my eyes hard enough. then i felt something really cold on my knee... i looked down and saw it was his hand." -----------------
DENISE: "...i'll never forget about the time me and this guy named tyler went out to eat at 'strombolio's italian garden.' first of all, he made a big show out of telling me i could order anything i wanted. twice he even used the phrase, 'the sky's the limit,' then like, two seconds before the waiter showed up to take our order, he leaned over and whispered to me, saying, TYLER: "...let's try to keep it under 49 bucks." which ah, didn't help me much, because i didn't know if he meant just me, or the both of us. so, feeling like i was kind of on the spot, i played it safe and ordered the reasonably-priced single-sized barbecue chicken pizza. he ordered the only burger on the entire menu. and, when our food came, i barely had time to get my damn fork in mine before he leaned over my dish, took a real big obvious inhale, and exclaimed, loud enough for other tables to hear it, TYLER: "...wow, yours smells like 'armpit.' i hope mine is better than yours." then later, he told the waiter we wouldn't be ordering dessert because 'the night is young.' me and the waiter exchanged unclear looks. i won't be going out with him again."
5 comments:
LOL!!!!!!! OMG. Hilarious!!!!! I love the voting one. I'll have some coming for you soon...
Nancy's story: My friend had been wanting to set me up with her cousin forever and she wouldn't shut up about it. I talked to him on the phone and he definitely seemed rednecky, but also kind of funny so I sucked it up and accepted a date. His name was Denny, not Danny, Denny which is weird cause I don't even know what that would be short for. Denholm? No way. He was from Randleman. No one from Randleman is named Denholm.
Anyway, I spent all day, the day of the date, trying not to get hung up on the fact that his name was Denny.
He wanted me to meet him at his house at 7pm because, and I quote, "his bitch ex-wife was coming to pick up the rug rat." This by the way was red flag number five hundred. I get there and he's not even close to ready, wearing a Trace Adkins t-shirt and hemmed jean shorts. (Trace Adkins of "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" fame) I was relieved when he said he wsn't dressed for dinner yet, but worried when he said he had a surppirse for me.
Smash Cut to: I'm on the back of a four wheeler going like, 55 miles per hour through the woods with moss and twigs flying up on me like shrapnel. He slams on breaks when we spy a squirrel and, hand to God, he pulls out a handgun and fires five or six shots at it. I was horrified.
When we got back to his house, my shoes and legs were filthy and I had lost both my earrings.
Then he goes to change and shower (which takes way to long) and I notice that his living room has way too many floor lamps. Two flanking the TV and two flanking the couch. And two on each side of his front door. I conjectured that he prolly used to work at an office that got rid of a bunch of floor lamps at one time or something.
When he finally comes out and chirps, "Ready Freddy?" He's got on a red, white and blue American flag button-up ala Garth Brooks circa 1992. Now it's not ANYWHERE NEAR the Fourth of July and even then, that shirt would be too much. Stunned, I mutter, 'wowsa' and then he goes, "yeah, I forgot I had this shirt." And then he turns on the only floor lamp that is not illuminated and goes, "God Bless America, right?" Oh brother. We leave and he leaves ALL the floor lamps on. Hello? Electrical fire.
We go to Longhorn Steakhouse because "their apps are his jam..." and when we get in there it's really hot. I mean really hot. The hostess tells us the A/C is broken. I can tell he's really stressing about the heat and his shirt, but no, he wants to stay.
When we are seated he mumbles something about his "pits feeling moist" but then proceeds to order crazy hot apps anyway: buffalo wings, jalapeno poppers and a cup of smokehouse chili for both of us.
Then he began to tell me some long story about how he exposed some oxycontin drug ring that was going on with the staff at his Grandmother's nursing home. All while kind of holding his arms out, presumably so his sweaty armpits wouldn't soak onto his American Flag Shirt. He also kept wiping away an ever-forming sweat mustache with the back of his index finger. Still though, when those hot-ass appetizers arrived, he ripped into them like a raccoon in a garbage can.
Then he started having a cough attack. It almost seemed asthmatic in nature and I was really scared for him. He pointed at his throat and said, "Seed." I gathered that he had a seed in his throat from one of the jalapeno poppers. The waitress came over to help and he shooed her away angrily. I tried to help and he ignored me, grabbing his over-sized beer and chugging it, most of it missing his mouth and cascading liberally down the front of his American Flag Shirt. Then he started choking on the beer. His eyes were watering. He was sweating like crazy. People were staring. I swear I heard a record rip sound effect come out of the juke box.
Finally he grabbed the boat of bleu cheese dressing and chugged that. Yes, most of it going all down his shirt. He tried to get up out of the booth, but when he did, he knocked over a toddler who began to scream and cry like a banshee. Then the paramedics arrived. Apparently someone had dialed 911.
When the paramedics tried to help him, he seemed to really panic and began to pull chotzkies off of the wall. That's when I snuck away, hurried across the parking lot to Libby Hill and called Red Bird.
I read in the paper the next day that a man was arrested at Longhorn Steakhouse charged with "aggravated mayhem". I can only assume it was Denny. God Bless America.
Okay, so it's not really a "bite". It's too long, I know.
wow lucynell, poor nancy. i know that steakhouse. dare i say they should've gone to the fabulous libby hill in the first place. when people ask me why i don't date anymore, i think of times like this, and wonder why they have to ask.
oh, and never worry about datebites being too long... sometimes there are just no details you can afford to leave out of a gem of a night like that one. thanks for the hilarious and tragic input.
Post a Comment